There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
