that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
