Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
