the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
