youre lurking in front of me
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
