I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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