She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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