please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
this beer tastes like vomit already
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
