shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I stole a fireplace last night.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
