why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
