My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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