I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
