The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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