I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
