It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
