my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
