I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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