I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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