she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
