Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
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