Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I wish life had little blips of pornography
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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