it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You pole danced in your parka.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
