I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
