Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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