remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
