i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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