i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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