My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
