my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've blown a few things in my day
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
