life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
