i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
