He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
