I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
