she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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