I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
