overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
