Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
