I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
