i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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