It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
i believe in u and ur pee
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
