I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
