Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
