he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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