I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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