So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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