He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
