he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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