Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
