Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I love you. Go after that dick
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
