but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
