i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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