I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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