So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
