and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
