I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
