I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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