I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
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You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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