she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
